Becoming Nicole

Nutt argues that it’s very difficult to determine legal rights in court cases involving transgender people because societal beliefs about gender and its expression are still tied to many stereotypes and outdated notions. She points to several news stories to support this point, including one about a boy being kicked out of school for carrying a floral purse and a girl being asked to leave school for not dressing feminine enough. In North Carolina, a 9-year-old boy was told to leave his My Little Pony lunchbox at home because the school considered it a bullying trigger. Nutt also shares a few stories she considers positive, such as how a fitness center rescinded a woman’s membership after she repeatedly complained about having to share a locker room with a transgender woman. She finishes the chapter by discussing some murky situations, like how some women’s colleges are struggling to deal with female students who identify as male and transition into male bodies during their time in school.

Wayne’s father dies from a serious burn injury, and many extended family members come to his funeral. Some point and whisper when they see Nicole. She doesn’t notice this as much as the fact that everyone’s wearing black, which, to her, seems like a missed opportunity to celebrate her grandfather’s life in a colorful fashion.

The Maine Human Rights Commission determines that there are grounds for the lawsuit against the school district to move forward. The commission recommends that the Maineses and the school first work together to try to find a solution. This is what the Maineses wanted all along. They hope it will happen now that the commission has advised it. The school barely acknowledges the commission’s recommendations, though. The Maineses file a civil lawsuit against the school district in county court. The suit claims that unlawful discrimination because of sexual orientation occurred at Nicole’s school and that she was denied access to public accommodations as a result. The suit also claimed that the school failed to fix a hostile educational environment that stemmed from harassment and that it intentionally inflicted emotional distress on Nicole. The court must decide if it is constitutional to force a transgender child to use a separate restroom, and if this can be considered a legally acceptable instance of separate but equal facilities. The Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the 1954 Supreme Court decision in Brown v. Board of Education determined that no one could be denied access to a public facility because of his or her race, sex, or religion, and laws against discrimination based on gender identity were gaining popularity, but they were no guarantee of a win for the Maineses. One thing is for certain: the court’s ruling will set an important precedent that other states will consider, most likely for years.

Kelly meets with Principal Lucy again in June. She needs to know what the school plans for Nicole as Nicole enters seventh grade. Will the “eyes-on” policy continue? Will she be forced to use a staff restroom for another year? Neither of these things were supposed to be permanent solutions, but Lucy tells her that nothing is going to change because the rules aren’t going to change. Kelly says that will force her family to move. It’s the first time she sees Lucy smile, and it sickens her. When she hears that Jacob has been asking where the staff bathroom near the seventh-grade classes is located, she knows he will not stop harassing Nicole. The family makes tentative plans to move to Portland, Maine, 140 miles to the south. They know a mom with a transgender son about Nicole’s age there. He goes to a middle school with supportive teachers and administrators.

Nicole and Jonas don’t love the idea of moving, but Nicole can’t stand the thought of watching her every move in case Jacob is around the corner. She also can’t bear another year of constant monitoring by school staff and being forced to use the bathroom meant for the teachers. To Kelly, moving seems like the best shot at a fresh start for the kids. Wayne knows he’s unlikely to find a job with a comparable salary in Portland, though. They decide to sell their house and find a smaller one in Portland. Wayne will stay in Orono to work during the week. He will live in apartment and commute to Portland on the weekends. And no one but the principal and teachers will know that Nicole is transgender at the kids’ new school. In other words, the family will leave behind a great deal of openness. They will have to act like the last two years of their lives don’t exist.

The administrators at the twins’ new middle school say they will keep Nicole’s secret, but Kelly isn’t sure Nicole can keep her secret. The Maineses feel like they are sneaking out of town when they leave Orono. Wayne and Kelly feel disappointed as well, as if they are losing status and stability rather than gaining it. They decide to rent a duplex in Portland, knowing it will take a long time to sell their house in Orono. Wayne realizes that Kelly must carry the majority of the burdens alone. What he doesn’t fully realize is that she’s used to doing this. Kelly is somewhat relieved to have some time apart from Wayne, believing the distance will help her focus on the kids’ needs.

Nicole tells Wayne that a great deal of transgender kids commit suicide or get killed. He asks her why she has said this, and she tells him about a movie she just saw at a meeting of the Proud Rainbow Youth of Southern Maine (PRYSM). The movie made her feel physically ill while she was watching it, and she didn’t want to discuss it with her family when she got home. Wayne tells Nicole that most of the transgender kids in the movie probably don’t have parents that love them as much as he and Kelly love her. He admits, however, that there are cruel and dangerous people who might hurt her, and that she must be careful about whom she trusts. He tells her to watch her back and avoid traveling alone.

The Maineses file their civil lawsuit against the Orono School District in November of 2009. They claim that the school intentionally, negligently inflicted emotional distress on Nicole and her family, and that its refusal to make changes created a hostile learning environment. The attorney mentions that the family who filed the suit was forced to leave the district.

Jonas and Nicole think the students at their new school seem unhappy and unfriendly. It’s a much more diverse student body than they’ve encountered before, with many children of recent immigrants. They feel like they don’t belong, and to make matters worse, Nicole and Jonas get separated into groups that assemble on different parts of the school grounds and eat lunch at different times.

Nicole feels like she’s leading a double life, especially when a boy from one of her classes asks her to go on a date. She’d like to say yes but can’t, and she doesn’t want to hurt him. Her transgender identity seems to “prevent any boy who really knew her from getting too close. It was that distance she dreaded she’d never overcome, and, ironically, this boy had just reminded her of it” (182). There are many other times Nicole wants to express something to a classmate, for instance, when something insensitive about LGBT people is said, but she doesn’t do so for fear of outing herself: “Being true to her beliefs, and not just about being transgender, had never felt this dangerous” (184).

Nicole and Jonas find themselves having shallow friendships with a few other kids, but the experience is strange and stressful. They feel stifled, and despite the great care they take to preserve Nicole’s secret, there are some close calls. She gets thrown for a loop when one girl asks her, out of the blue, if she’s transgender. Another time, a classmate questions why she changes in a stall in the locker room rather than out in the open. Plus, when she can’t let others know who she is, she has a hard time getting to know them as well.

Kelly and Wayne also know that Jonas needs more attention. Living with an unutterable secret is getting to him, too. He punches a classmate when his anger gets the best of him. Then he gets punched and doesn’t tell Kelly about it. He confronts a classmate who uses a slur about gay people, and it results in getting decked. Jonas is afraid Kelly will try to remedy the situation, which might make it worse. Further, his grades, which are normally excellent, begin to fall. He has trouble feeling motivated to do his schoolwork when so many other kids seem disinterested in learning. Kelly starts sending him to therapy.

Jonas punches another kid at school when his anger gets the best of him. Neither child can let their guard down. Jonas withdraws into music, especially guitar playing, which he can do by himself. Kelly and Wayne both know they need to pay more attention to what’s going on with Jonas: “He had a tendency to be passive, to step aside and let the world—or Nicole—not only rush by him, but overwhelm him” (183). The parents have worked hard to give the kids the same opportunities, the same toys and games, and for the most part, the same friends. Jonas tends to bury his worries, but sometimes they crop up and lead to bad results.

In addition to having social and academic problems, the Maines family is struggling financially by the winter of 2010. They’re paying a mortgage in Orono, rent in Portland, attorney’s fees, travel expenses, and more. The family is relieved when they discover that attorneys from GLAD’s Boston offices will represent them in their lawsuit against the Orono School District, along with a private attorney from Maine. They will only have to pay these attorneys if they win the case.

Kelly sometimes wonders if Nicole will be able to survive in the world once she reaches adulthood. She decides that if that world is too difficult, Nicole can live with her, no questions asked. She would never, ever abandon her child.

Nicole wants breasts when she is 11 years old. She reasons that having them will keep people from questioning who she really is. But Dr. Spack needs to make sure she doesn’t enter male puberty before he gives her estrogen. In September of 2008, he tells Nicole’s parents that he’ll carefully monitor her hormone levels to make sure she gets estrogen at the right time, before she might be traumatized by male puberty. Some early signs of puberty arrive the next spring, after which Nicole begins Lupron injections to keep her from developing as a male. After some time passes, Dr. Spack feels Nicole is ready start taking estrogen. He lets her begin this therapy at age 13, rather than 16, the age they’d originally discussed. She also needs to keep taking male hormone blockers until she has sex reassignment surgery.

Nicole’s psychologist asks her what it’s like to still have a penis. Nicole replies that she tries not to care about it because there’s not much she can do about it at the moment. She can do something about her bustline, however. She begs Kelly to get her a bra and some falsies to create the illusion of breasts. Kelly gets her these items, and the experience of wearing them is transformative for Nicole.

Once the house in Orono sells, Kelly and the kids move into a modest house in a more peaceful Portland neighborhood. It’s not always quiet, though. One day Wayne and Kelly hear a loud crash outside their house. They panic, thinking Nicole may have plunged from the roof. It turns out to be a false alarm, but it’s a sign that the entire family is “always expecting the worst, always in ‘what next’ mode” (194).

The Maineses also meet the GLAD staff, who are helping them with their case against the Orono School District. They feel a sense of support and kinship in the presence of this group. They also find a larger sense of purpose:

It was impossible for the Maineses not to feel the importance of their case among these hardworking people, and they realized that their lawsuit wasn’t just about Nicole or their family. It wasn’t even just their story anymore. The lawsuit, even though it was just a state case, had meaning and significance for many others. And now Wayne, Kelly, Nicole, and Jonas would carry the hopes of those others with them as they sought affirmation from the courts (195).

Nicole and Jonas head to Orono for the summer to spend time with their dad. Nicole also gets to go to a sleepaway camp for transgender youth, one of the first of its kind. There’s kayaking, yoga, and even a camp song that segues into the Lady Gaga hit “Born This Way.” Nicole loves it. She makes friends with other transgender girls. Though they don’t spend a great deal of time discussing their experiences as transgender teens, they are able to let down their guard and discuss their favorite music, games, and TV shows. Nicole also writes, directs, and stars in a three-act play that the other campers find hilarious. Nicole returns to the camp for two more summers, until she becomes too old to return. Kids who are aging out of the camp receive compasses “so that they [can] always find their way back” (198).

Just after eighth grade begins, Nicole hears that Lady Gaga is going to visit Portland to talk about the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. She and Wayne join thousands of other people at a downtown park, where the celebrity sings and speaks. Wayne, an ardent supporter of the military, is moved by her words. He feels angry at the military for a moment, and especially mad at the politicians who let the military dismiss service members because of their sexual orientation.

In April of 2011, Kelly learns that the Maine legislature is considering LD 1046, a new bill to amend the part of the Maine Human Rights Act that deals with public accommodations. If the bill passes, business owners can decide who gets to use their restrooms. People denied access because of their gender identification would not be able to claim discrimination under the Human Rights Act. Wayne realizes that Kelly must have felt incredibly alone fighting battles like this one over the years: “For the past two years, from the outside, they’d looked and acted like any average American family, except that they weren’t. Something needed to change. Something had changed. And Wayne knew exactly what it was” (201).