A Stolen Life: A Memoir

“I enjoy life so much more now, and I try hard to appreciate each and every day, but deep down I am still afraid it will be taken away.

This quote reflects Jaycee’s perspective as a free adult. To some extent, this statement indicates that the mental prison she inhabited for so long still lurks somewhere in her consciousness. She continues to struggle with the concept of agency and doesn’t realize that she has the power to take back whatever someone tries to take away.

“At times I feel like I’m still eleven years old. But something inside that frightened little girl made her a survivor and she has made me the person I am today.”

At many points in her memoir, Jaycee sees herself as weak and ineffectual. Her stepfather made her feel inadequate long before Phillip gaslighted her into believing she was helpless. However, through therapy, she also comes to recognize her strength as a survivor, despite the weaknesses everybody else points out in her.

“Sadness is part of life. Choosing to be happy and see the glass half full is a struggle we all must make.”

Part of being a skilled survivor is the willingness to accept past pain and transcend it. In this quote, Jaycee acknowledges that misery exists for everyone. Luckily, she chooses not to remain miserable long after the cause of her sadness is gone. Survivors choose to move on and seek out the positive aspects of life.

“In my heart I do not hate Phillip. I don’t believe in hate […] If all my heart was filled up with hate and regrets and what ifs, then what else would it have room for?”

If Jaycee allowed herself to hate Phillip, she would still be focused on him and his world. During her captivity, Phillip deliberately wanted to make himself the center of Jaycee’s existence. She rejects the hatred that would continue that focus after he disappears from her life and would prevent her from moving on. 

“Sometimes I feel bad for not missing Nancy. But for the most part it is a relief for me to not have to endure her moods and the jealousy she harbored. She did have several opportunities to let me go, and I might never know why she chose not to.”

This quote reflects Jaycee’s ambivalence toward both her captors. Phillip and Nancy wish to portray themselves as victims who deserve Jaycee’s pity. Withholding that pity makes the girl feel guilty. Luckily, she can eventually see past the pity ploy to recognize that she is the injured party, not them. 

“I didn’t interrupt because it always ended with why he was right and I was wrong.”

Over the years, Jaycee notices a pattern in Phillip’s behavior. He presents himself as the all-knowing authority figure, and she is just the stupid little girl who needs his guidance. While she does depend on him to meet her material needs and protect her from the supposedly dangerous world, this quote indicates Jaycee’s awareness that Phillip’s harangues are nothing but plausible excuses for putting her on the defensive.

“He told me that everything would be okay and for me not to be scared because he would come back. I was so scared he wouldn’t return for me and just leave me here forever by myself. What would I do all by myself and pregnant?”

Jaycee makes this statement while she waits alone in the trailer for Phillip’s return. Ironically, the means of escape are as close as the trailer door, but she refuses to take it. Jaycee has already been brainwashed into believing that she could not survive on her own. She has become her own jailer.

“How did I not just go insane with worry? How do you get through things you don’t want to do? You just do. I did it because that was the only thing I could do.”

Jaycee is describing the birth of her daughters being carried out by a man with no medical training and no access to a hospital. As a child, she had no perspective on the ridiculous situation in which she found herself. Looking back as an adult, she is horrified by the situation. However, she also focuses on her resilience as a survivor who beat impossible odds simply by enduring a terrible situation.

“I can’t imagine staying here until I’m old and gray, but yet I don’t know what the future holds for me. All I have is Phillip and he always seems to know what to do. Where would I go with a baby? Who would want me?”

At many other points, Jaycee echoes this same sentiment. She seems to be stuck in a feedback loop that prevents forward motion. It never occurs to her that there are sympathetic people in the world who would be eager to help her if she asked. She has existed in the delusional world of a sociopath for so long that right is wrong and up is down.

“I can’t go because they are afraid someone will see me. I don’t want to get them in trouble. Where would I go if they were gone? Would Nancy let me go if Phillip wasn’t around?”

Jayce is talking about her captors taking her children on an outing. She remains at home for fear that the authorities might see her. Rather than questioning why this would be a bad thing, she protects the Garridos. They have become her principal means of survival. Clearly, Jaycee believes that the devil she knows is better than the one she doesn’t.

“So weird and disgusting, I think. He said he was working on his sex problem. It doesn’t seem to me that he is. I know he still smokes crank and weed with Nancy and he uses the videos […] I still don’t understand his problem. All I know is that he has one. At least there are no more ‘runs’ for me for now. I hope he leaves those other kids he videotapes alone.”

Jaycee is describing the videotapes that Nancy and Phillip secretly make of little girls on public playgrounds. Even as a child, Jaycee is beginning to see through the lies she is being told. Phillip is not working on his problem, and Nancy is enabling his pedophilia.

“I am in another kind of prison now. Free to roam the backyard but still prisoner nonetheless. I feel I am bound to these people—my captors—by invisible bonds instead of constant handcuffs.”

Jaycee makes this statement as she is about to deliver her second child. She walks across the yard because nobody needs to stop her anymore. She has been conditioned to believe that her survival depends exclusively on the Garridos. This moment speaks to Jaycee’s perceived helplessness and the ironic fact that the Garridos have become her safety and family—despite that in actuality this isn’t true.

“I know when I go into the grand jury room I will be well protected and cared for. On the other hand, the government failed me for eighteen years. And that will take time to heal from.”

To some extent, this quote reflects Jaycee’s long-held belief, and Phillip’s indoctrination, that the outside world is a scary place. Jaycee grew up as the plaything of a pedophile, and her ability to trust a government that failed to protect her is understandably limited. One must assume that her perspectives are still marred by the Garridos because they were the closest thing she had to parents for most of her life.

“I didn’t have anywhere to go. I had the girls to take care of. But I wanted them to have a better life. I just couldn’t do it for myself. I needed someone to free me, but no one did.”

Here, Jaycee acknowledges criticism that she could have escaped if she wanted to, but she points out that her chances for escaping dwindled after the birth of her children. The emotional bond she feels for her children offers another way for Phillip to exploit her. He is their father, and Jaycee believes that he will provide for her and the girls, so she keeps them all in captivity. This quote foregrounds her belief that she is too weak to act alone.

“I gave my power to my abductor. I was the one to comfort him when he was the one in the wrong. Where was my comfort? Where was my freedom? Why did I feel the need to comfort my tormentor? Violating my body was not enough? He had to violate my mind as well? He had the ability to turn every situation to suit his needs.”

Jaycee makes this statement as an adult looking back on the manipulations used by her captor. Phillip truly sees himself as the injured party because he has been afflicted with sex addiction. For years, Jaycee doesn’t question that he needs consolation, and she has an obligation to give it. Her rights in the matter only belatedly occur to her, and she needs the help of a therapist to see them.

“Boy, if only I could live in my mind. I know I would never run away. I love the girls too much to ever leave them. We either go together or not at all. So for now it’s not at all.”

This comment comes from Jaycee’s journal, where she writes down her plans for the future. She creates many mental fantasies of what she would do with her life if she were free. Quite possibly, this active inner life is what saves her. As long as she has the capacity to dream, she never gives up hope.

“As soon as I see him again, all I want to do is tell him how wrong he was to do that. But he will never take responsibility for what he does. It’s always someone else’s fault, the angels now mostly.”

One of the key characteristics of sociopaths and narcissists is that they never take responsibility for their own misdeeds. At this stage in the story, Phillip has developed an elaborate mythology of demonic angels who force him to do bad things. Thus, he can exonerate himself from every despicable action by blaming it on someone else, even if he has to invent a scapegoat to do it.

“Phillip was always the one with all the answers and we didn’t know what to do without him.”

Because Phillip has created an artificial world in the Garrido backyard, he has set himself up as the ultimate authority over the women in his life. He makes all the decisions and provides all the resources. Even though Nancy isn’t physically imprisoned, she is just as mentally chained as Jaycee. They need Phillip to tell them what to do at all times. 

“Phillip spent years trying to convince me he was the one with all the power and answers. I was so scared, and even though I was so close to having my life back, I still could not crash through the wall that he built inside of me.”

Jaycee is describing her first interview with the FBI. Even though Phillip isn’t in the room and all she has to do is speak her name to claim her freedom, she remains silent. The wall inside her mind cannot be surmounted without the help of an outsider. Fortunately, Jaycee is about to get the reality check she needs to dismantle Phillip’s wall of illusions.

“I am learning to speak up for myself—something that if I did before was always met with opposition and Phillip telling me why I was wrong. It’s hard to stand up for yourself when all the other person does is tell you how wrong you are and give you reasons why he is right.”

Phillip is attracted to little girls because they are innocent and trusting. He can exert almost immediate control by emphasizing his status as a knowledgeable adult. Jaycee has already been browbeaten by her stepfather. This makes Phillip’s job of indoctrination that much simpler. She still faces an uphill battle once she is free because of a tendency to second-guess herself.

“A light that I thought had been extinguished was slowly coming back to life. Every time things seemed overwhelming, I would look at my mom and that happy feeling came back and the warm light inside grew bigger.”

In the initial days of Jaycee’s freedom, she uses a mental image to combat her fear of the outside world. Throughout her life, the memory of her mother and the hope of seeing her again have kept her going through the darkest of circumstances. Referring to the thought of her mother as a warm light is an apt analogy. 

“Seeing Nancy felt almost like nothing. I think that I felt like that because there was really nothing solid between us. Our whole time together was a lie—a make-believe world that her husband created to satisfy his needs. Our relationship was built on a house of cards. One good blow and you find the pieces scatter in the wind quite easily.”

As long as Phillip controls the environment in the backyard, he can construct an alternate reality. However, the minute that artificial world comes into contact with the real one, the illusion is destroyed. When Jaycee visits Nancy in prison, she realizes that the only bond between them was Phillip’s shared delusion.

“Sometimes I feel if I disagree with someone, then I need to have a good reason for doing so and I need to have reasons to back me up. I learned in therapy the word ‘No’ is a complete sentence. I love that! I never thought of that before.”

Jaycee’s memoir contains many allusions to arguments with Phillip. This suggests that she opposed at least some of his ideas. However, his ability to twist the facts to suit his selfish agenda always left her feeling in the wrong. Her counterarguments were never good enough. As she later learns, the word “No” is a sufficient response and ought to be respected.