A Mango-Shaped Space

“I put my hands over my ears and shut my eyes to stop all the colors that are bombarding me. It doesn’t work. My sight is filled with blurry purple triangles and waves of green and floating black dots and balls of all sizes and shades of colors, spinning, swooping, swirling in front of me and across the room and in my mind’s eye. If I had been prepared, I would have been able to anticipate the onslaught, but now it is overwhelming and I feel like I’m suffocating.”

Mia’s synesthesia affects many aspects of her life, though at this point in the story she does not know what to call it. She is often overwhelmed by colors and shapes when noises are too loud, and this can make it hard for her to concentrate in school. The narrative reflects this with its bombardment of sensory terms in short succession with piled-up clauses (“spinning, swooping, swirling”). She believes that this problem is unique to her, which makes her feel isolated and misunderstood. 

“Everyone thinks I named him Mango because of his orange eyes, but that’s not the case. I named him Mango because the sounds of his purrs and his wheezes and his meows are all various shades of yellow-orange, like a mango in different seasons.”

Mango, the cat, is deeply important to Mia. His name is inspired by Mia’s synesthesia and is a way for her to express her experience of the world without actually telling anyone about it. Mango is also a symbol of her connection to her grandfather, as she found him at her grandfather’s funeral.

“The laughter of my classmates pops into my head. Freeeek. They made me question the first eight years of my life, and now this little boy is making me question the last five. If he isn’t lying, if he really sees my name that way, then everything I thought I knew about myself is wrong.”

For years, Mia has believed that she is the only person who can see colors and shapes in her head. When she meets Billy, she is exposed to the possibility that she is not alone. This discovery fuels her desire to learn more about what is happening to her and sets her on a journey of Understanding Oneself. This journey is the source of most of the tension and conflict in the story.

“I hurry back to the house thinking of all the things we keep from other people. Even our best friends.”

As Mia starts trying to understand herself better, she realizes that she has not told Jenna anything about what is happening. She knows that Jenna has a lot going on in her life, and that both of them are keeping things from each other. This is the first time that Mia notices herself and Jenna starting to drift apart. Wendy Mass thus initiates the secondary conflict in the novel.

“Normally an x is a shiny maroon color, like a ripe cherry. But here an x has to stand for an unknown number. But I can’t make myself assign the x any other color than maroon, and there are no maroon-colored numbers. Without the color, I don’t know how to proceed. I’m lost in shades of gray and want to scream in frustration.”

One of the major reasons that Mia is dreading the start of eighth grade is that she has to take a more difficult math class. Synesthesia makes math very difficult for Mia as the colors that she sees get all jumbled together in her head. Her struggle with math and Spanish classes is part of the central conflicts of the story, as her parents and teachers do not understand the source of her difficulty with these subjects.

“It would be easier to pretend I never met Billy and to forget about my colors. As the bus rolls out into the country, I decide to try. I’m going to be so normal that when people look up normal in the dictionary, my name will be there.”

Mass establishes Mia’s journey toward Understanding Oneself by presenting Mia’s attempts to do the opposite. Mia believes that the best way for her to get through her school year and fit in is to try to forget about the colors she sees. Her desire to be “normal,” or at least be seen to be “normal,” impacts many of the decisions that Mia makes throughout the first half of the book.

“‘Why didn’t you come to us before?’ she asks. She sounds hurt.

My throat tightens. ‘I tried to, back in third grade. No one believed me, remember?’

‘I’m glad you’re telling us now,’ she says, reaching out to hug me. It feels good. Mom’s not usually the touchy-feely type.’”

Mia tells her parents about her colors when she has to explain why she has failed two math tests. Mass’s inclusion of the Prologue comes to fruition here: This is a particularly painful discussion for Mia because it brings back memories of what happened when she was younger. At that point, no one believed her about her experience of the world. Telling her parents this time does go better than the first time, and her parents try to be considerate toward Mia and her differences. They agree to figure out the source of the colors.

“At that point I would rather have been called anything but crazy. It is one thing for me to call myself crazy. It is another thing entirely when a doctor does it.”

Mia is very afraid of being told that something is wrong with her. Her first experience of discussing her colors with a doctor does not make her feel better. Dr. Randolph does not know what to make of Mia’s colors and refers her to a psychotherapist. These referrals build tension in the novel as Mass defers the resolution of Mia’s diagnosis.

“I concentrate hard and paint fast to keep up with the fleeting images. As soon as I try to capture one in my head, it’s gone and morphed into another shape. After an hour I stand back and admire my progress. It actually looks a lot like Kandinsky’s work. But I bet he didn’t get a headache from all the noise!”

Mia’s favorite subject at school is art, as it allows her to channel her synesthesia into something creative. She connects with the art of Kandinsky because it looks a lot like the shapes and colors she sees when listening to music. She works on an art project where she has to imitate Kandinsky’s style, which helps her understand herself. She sees this project as a way to record her ability for posterity if she is “cured.”

“‘I can’t believe you hid this from me for all these years,’ she says with an unfamiliar hardness in her voice. ‘I’ve shared everything with you. Everything! Why didn’t you tell me?’”

When Mia tells Jenna about what has been going on with her colors, Jenna is very upset. The two friends have a fight about Mia keeping things from Jenna, where Jenna questions Mia’s friendship. Neither girl is Being Considerate of Others in this moment, which builds tension surrounding their friendship in the novel. Mass uses a synesthetic description by describing the sound with a tactile quality—“hardness”—in keeping with the novel’s explorations of synesthesia.

“‘I think it’s pretty neat,’ he says, following me inside.

‘You do?’

‘Sure,’ he says, grinning. ‘Now I know you’re the strangest one in the family after all. And you had some stiff competition!’”

Zack is the first person in Mia’s family who tries to assure Mia that he does not think she is a “freak.” While he suggests that Mia is strange, he does not see strangeness as a bad thing. Mia is not convinced, and is a little distressed to find herself labeled “the strangest one in the family.” Zack’s lack of consideration emphasizes the fact that Mia is further ahead of him in terms of coming of age.

“‘Slow down,’ Jerry says, still smiling. ‘Mia, you don’t have a disease. You don’t even have a problem, exactly. What you have, based on what your mother told me, is a condition that is harmless. It’s called synesthesia.’”

Mia meeting Jerry is a turning point in the novel. He is the first person who understands what is happening in Mia’s head, and he gives her the vocabulary that she needs to truly begin her journey toward Understanding Oneself. As a neurologist, Jerry has a wealth of information about synesthesia and is able to put Mia in touch with other synesthetes so that she can learn more.

“I’m so excited that I give him a hug. He waves good-bye as we pull out of the parking lot. I settle back in my seat, clutching the piece of paper Jerry gave me. I must find Billy now. I have to let his mother know he doesn’t have a brain tumor. He’s not crazy. And neither am I.”

When Mia finally learns about synesthesia, she is overjoyed. Her fear of not being “normal” is put to rest and she is excited to learn more about her condition and share it with Billy, so that he can also learn that he is not alone. Her excitement is a pivotal part of the rising action since it initiates both part of her journey toward Understanding Oneself, but also contributes to conflicts regarding her relationships with Jenna and Roger.

“‘Great,’ I say, pushing my chair back from the table. ‘I didn’t think any of you would understand what I’m going through. I’m sorry if schoolwork isn’t my first priority right now. Or even my second.’”

Mia begins to show that she struggles with Being Consideration of Others and believes that no one can really understand her because of her differences. She retreats further into herself, pulling away from her friends and her family, and neglecting her responsibilities. On the journey toward Understanding Oneself, she gets lost for a while. Mass hence drives the novel through the conflicts that this generates.

“As I open the back door, my friendship bracelet gets caught on the latch and a thread rips. Sucking in my breath, I tuck the broken ends back in place so Jenna won’t notice. Maybe we’re getting too old to wear them after all.” 

At the beginning of the novel, Mia’s friendship bracelet with Jenna is of the utmost importance to her. As their friendship goes through trials and tensions, Mia’s feelings start to change. The bracelet serves as a metaphor for the state of their friendship at this point in the story: on the verge of tearing apart.

“I reach down to bring him into my arms, but my hands land on an empty blanket. As if on cue, a flash of lightning shows me that Mango is definitely not on the bed. The only thing there is, is a Mango-shaped space.” 

When Mango disappears, Mia is able to see the aura of his color left behind on his blanket. Mango has been a way to keep the past alive. Now that there is only a “Mango-shaped space,” Mia must confront the possibilities of the future and think about what might fill that space. This is the final moment before the climax of her coming-of-age narrative in which she must make space for the future rather than holding onto the past. 

“From some dark corner of my brain I realize I can’t see the colored shapes that would normally accompany the sound. All I see are gray blobs that look like used chewing gum. In fact, when the helicopter was moving, the propeller noise didn’t have any color either. The last color I remember seeing is the orange from Mango’s wheezes when I held him. I’ve lost everything.”

Through her grief over Mango’s death, Mia realizes that she has lost her synesthesia. Her world has been reduced to gray. Mia has not only lost her cat and her connection to her grandfather, but also the color that used to light up her world. Mass reflects this with the flat, monosyllabic sentence—“[a]l I see are gray blobs”—and the dull, tasteless simile of “used chewing gum.”

“It occurs to me that I never really mourned him, because I thought he was still with me. Now that I know he’s really gone, it feels different being up here—sadder and definitely more final.” 

Although Mia’s grandfather died over a year ago, the simultaneous appearance of Mango helped her put off dealing with her grief. After Mango’s death, Mia is forced to confront her Grief and Healing for the first time. Mass hence begins to resolve this theme at this point.

“‘Wait, Mia.’ Jenna catches up with me. ‘Look, I know how you feel. It’s okay to be really sad.’

I walk even faster. ‘You don’t know how I feel.’

She grabs onto my sweater. ‘How can you say that to me?’

I look her right in the eye. ‘You didn’t kill your mother, Jenna.’” 

Mia is unable to see how Jenna could understand her experiences, as her grief is tied up in guilt and feelings of responsibility. She believes that she is responsible for Mango’s death. As a result, she is not able to be considerate toward Jenna. This scene means that secondary conflict between Jenna and Mia is not fully resolved at the end of the novel, creating a sense of verisimilitude. 

“My taste buds might be coming back, but my colors aren’t. Everything is so gray and pale and lifeless now. So this is what normal feels like. That old phrase ‘Be careful what you wish for’ seems appropriate.” 

Mia spends much of the book wishing that she was “normal,” but when she temporarily loses her colors, she realizes that this was a mistake. While her colorless world is a reflection of her grieving state, she worries that she will be like this forever, just as she feels like her grief will last forever. Through this experience, Mia learns that she does not want to be normal; instead, she wants her colors back so that she can be herself again. This resolves the theme of Understanding Oneself.

“She opens the box to reveal a thin gold chain with a clasp. She hooks it onto my wrist and holds out her own arm to show me she’s wearing the identical bracelet.

‘These were my fourteenth-birthday present. From my mom,’ she says in a tight voice. ‘Her letter said she figured by now we’d be needing new ones.’” 

Jenna replaces Mia’s old string friendship bracelet with a gold chain, symbolizing the renewal of their friendship. Both Mia and Jenna have worked through difficulties in their own lives, and have come back together, understanding each other better than before. Their gold bracelets symbolize a more mature and enduring friendship.

“‘This might not matter much,’ he says quietly, ‘but I know how you must feel.’

I open my mouth to correct him, but then I realize that he, more than anybody, does know how I feel. ‘Did it take you a long time to get over losing your dog?’” 

Mia often feels as if no one really understands what she is going through unless they also have synesthesia. She is finally proven wrong when she realizes that she and Roger have a shared experience. Mia realizes that Roger is more important to her than she originally thought, emphasizing that he is a foil for Adam. She struggled with Being Considerate of Others, but she is improving, signaling her character development throughout the novel.

“Last week I was in the car, and one of her favorite old songs came on the radio. I suddenly remembered her telling me that she loved music so much because she could see the colors in the air all around her.” 

At the end of the story, Mia’s mother realizes that Mia’s grandmother must also have had synesthesia, which helps Mia to understand that her condition comes from someone in the family. This makes her feel more connected to both her grandparents, and helps with her Grief and Healing about both of their deaths, as well as her understanding of herself.